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Ah, children, such delightful additions to our every day lives. They’re cute and sweet and learning everything for the first time. And then your kid goes and says something like …
“Good bye, Dad.” said my two year old son, “No, we say good night.”
“I know. But this time it’s good bye.”
“Daddy? Can you cut off someone’s tongue without k*lling them?”
A mother asked her daughter what she was thinking about and she replied, “I’m imagining the waves of bl**d rushing over me.”
I caught my daughter saying “D*e, d*e, d*e, d*e.” So I ask, what’s that you’re saying? And she turns to face me and just whispers, “Diii*eeeeeee…”
“So I shouldn’t throw him in the fire?” said my 3-year-old daughter while holding her baby brother for the first time.
“Daddy, remember that time we d*ed?”
“I wake up to find my three year old standing by the bed staring at me inches from me with a huge grin on his face. “What are you doing?” I finally say. “Nothing,” he says, still grinning. At this point, I realize he’s got his hands behind his back. “Are you holding something?” “No.” I look anyway. He’s hiding our largest carving knife behind his back.”
“We got my little sister a puppy for Christmas. When she woke up and saw the dog she said, ‘My baby! It’s not time for you yet!’ And tried to pick up the dog and shove it in her mouth.
“We had just moved into a new house and two kids showed up at the door. When I asked if I could help them, one of them said, ‘Our mom wants us to tell you, the old people who used to live here are buried at the end of the road.’ They ran off and I have never seen those kids again to this day.”
As I was driving down the road, my kid was about to nod off. Right before the lights changed, he said, “Last time, I d*ed in a fire.”
“Mom, I promise I won’t ever chew on your bones. I promise.”
“My 4-year-old son asked my pregnant sister if there was a baby in her belly. She said, ‘Yes.’ With a completely straight face, he slid from his chair and headed for the kitchen, saying, ‘We need to get it out. I’ll go get the knife.’”
“My daughter saw me getting dry skin off my shoulder after a bad sunburn and asked if she could keep my skin flakes and put them in a jar so when I d*e she can make a mommy mask and remember me always.”
“My 3-year-old daughter stood next to her new brother and looked at him for a while, then turned to me and said, “Daddy, it’s a monster … we should bury it.”
“At my great uncle’s funeral she asked when he was going to turn into a zombie.”
“I was sound asleep, and at around 6 am I was awoken by my 4-year-old daughter’s face inches from mine. She looked right into my eyes and whispered, “I want to peel all your skin off.”
“My little cousin drew a picture of a black monster, looked up at me and said, ‘He told me to draw this. He’s coming for you. You better hide.’”
“My six year old son asked my mother to lay down on her stomach, then he sat on her b*tt and started bouncing up and down and proclaimed, “Thanks Discover Channel!”
“Me, “Go back to sleep, there isn’t anything under your bed.” My son, “You're right. He’s behind you now.”
“Daddy, I love you so much that I want to cut your head off and carry it around so I can see your face whenever I want.”
Did these bizarre quotes creep you out?
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